The Appointment

OK, I saw Dr. Headcase today. First clue this was not going to work out as a mutually satsifying long term relationship - faint but distinct smell of cigarette smoke, blending with Airwick and Febreeze. Now, he's a Psychiatrist. He helps people with behavior modification and medication when necessary. He's a doctor. Went to med school. Probably studied how that tobacco and nicotine works to shorten your life and help grow a little thing called cancer. And finally, he's a person, who can't have not heard about how smoking can kill you. And he's supposed to help me?!? He can't modify his own behavior! Hello kettle? Yeah, it's pot calling...

Is it just me, or are the psychiatrists out there all messed up themselves? What makes someone want to go into the profession of helping people, only to be so poor at actually trying to help people?

Alright, let me clarify. I am not subject to just a doctor's erudite opinion. I research. I go online. I talk to other people. I try to take control of my health. So I know things about SSRIs and Tri-Cyclines, and rebound effects, and loss of efficacy, and what may happen if you switch between the two, and if you were on one for years and years (like I've been). So I go in ready to talk turkey. I know what I need to say, I've been doing this for 7 years. I know how I feel, and how I can feel. And I know that I have no father/daughter trauma that needs to be reported to the dirt hungry doc, because there is no father/daughter trauma. Many have had to deal with that, and may need professional help. But I have not had to deal with that, so let's move on.

Dr. Have you had any traumas that we need to discuss?
Me Um, no. I've clarified my history and just need a medication adjustment.
Dr. So, how is your life at home with your husband, your children?
Me That is good, very good in fact. But I seem to have this chemical imbalance? It's called depression? And it's sort of ganging up on me right now, and I've researched (noticable twitch in Dr.) how you can develop a tolerance to antidepressants, and might need to switch from one class to another? So, since you have the DOCTORATE, do you think you can help me, here?
Dr. Are you having financial pressure at home? Is there bi-polor disorder in your family?
Me Um, again, no. Filled all this out on the ream of forms you sent to my house? Remember? Just average clinical depression, not responding as well to the afore mentioned prescribed meds...the Zoloft, which is why I am here, now, to the tune of $138 out of my pocket.
Dr. Your decision to homeschool, tell me about that.
Me Well, it's our decision, we believe in it, and it works for our family. What is not working is my medication, or something...I just think I should feel better, more motivated than I do from day to day.
Dr. Do you think it's a lot on you?
Me Yeah, it is. But it's not too much, if the rest of me's in order. Which doesn't seem to be the case right now, but has been for years. Again, back to the med adjustment?
Dr. How do you get along with your parents?
Me Great, I said great, and I meant it. Yes, we have flaws, like anyone, but it is a very good relationship.
Dr. And your sibling?
Me Haven't we been at this for like, 45 minutes or more now? I see you looking at the clock! And we haven't discussed medication options? Trust me, my sister has nothing to do with my serotonin imbalance. Would have liked to blame her once, but not now....
Dr. You report you had a period of "rebellion" in highschool. Tell me about that.
Me Um, that...that was 18 years ago. 18 years ago is what that was. 18 years ago I did a little teenaged rebellion. I am talking about fine tuning NOW. Now, now as in today, as in when I'm 34 and have 3 children and a husband, and a self who needs me, like, yesterday.
Dr. So, your husband. He "needs" you? How does he "need" you? Is there any issue there? Does he need you too much? Do you feel safe with him?
Me Ok, now I'm getting tired. Like I said I was when I came in here nearly and hour ago. There you go with the clock again! I know you need to probe some things, but you also should LISTENto your patient. I have nothing to dig up, unpack, reflect on, whatever it is that you're going for here...just some resistance to lots of change, and I do have the desire to have some joy in my life. Which I've had lots of, but seem to be lacking the last few months. No one's beating me, no one has. I love my Dad, my Mom, the neighbor's dog and my husband. I need to discuss medication alternatives.
Dr. So how would you say you are feeling?
Me Other than getting really ticked off? Isn't that all on my intake form? Didn't I get here like, 45 minutes early, so you would know that BEFORE I sat down and you started the clock? OK, yes, now I am starting to get hysterical...but no, no, that's not part of the "problem"...no, no, really, I don't normally have panic disorder...or OCD...or Quick to Rage-ness. Swear! You're making me crazy, right here and right now! Is this a tactic for repeat business?!?! Nurse!!!
Dr. OK, Mrs. Tannery, just caaaaallllm down. I can see you suffer from Acute Panic Disorder, Severe Clinical Depression , and Anxiety Displacement Something or another...and possibly something along the lines of something that would require needing to take your children away and having you commited. At least for a short time.
Me (first blush) Committed? Like lots of rest with no responsibilities? OK, well, maybe. Um, maybe I've felt a bit out of control...or um, like you said, anxious, but I'm sure I just need a few days away. Not much more. Will there be a manicurist? My nails look awful...
Dr. Well, Mrs. Tannery, this will be a complete work up, you should know. No clothes, just that butt baring gown that ties in the back we use to humiliate you, no rights, no family, no we don't serve wine, for more than 10 days...
Me OK, OK, I get it...I'm painted into a corner here. I've tried to explain myself. I don't really need to be commited, but some understanding in line with your profession here would be good...remember the medication thing? The need for adjustment based on a professional opinion?
Dr. Oh, yes, what sort of problem do you seem to be having, and what medication are you taking now? How would you say you're feeling today?
Me Oh, yeah, well, soooo, I'm thinking it's aaaallll good right now, and I was CRAZY to even think differently. I mean, you know how us psychos are...But, um, thanks for your help, your expertise...Really, I feel sooooo much beter now. I'm sure. I'll just pay more than what's in our account now to thank you for this pertinent aid...yes, yes, this was soooo worth the time, not to mention the money...

In the future, I think I'll do all my medical care from the info I glean from the internet...I may have no advanced degree, but I do have half a brain, and the willingness to listen. To myself, or anyone who needs an ear. If I could only get the ability to prescribe what may be necessary...are those Mexican knock offs any good? Do they FedEx?